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What's the role of religious belief systems, the sports culture, the pornography culture, the family structure, economics, and how that intersects, and race and ethnicity and how that intersects? And then, once we start making those kinds of connections and asking those important and big questions, then we can talk about how we can be transformative, in other words, how can we do something differently? How can we change the socialization of boys and the definitions of manhood that lead to these current outcomes?These are the kind of questions that we need to be asking and the kind of work that we need to be doing, but if we're endlessly focused on what women are doing and thinking in relationships or elsewhere, we're not going to get to that piece.
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The third sentence, John is dropped, and we have, "Mary was beaten," and now it's all about Mary. Why was she drinking with those guys in that hotel room?Now obviously — The first is that it gives men an excuse not to pay attention, right?A lot of men hear the term "women's issues" and we tend to tune it out, and we think, "I'm a guy; that's for the girls," or "that's for the women." And a lot of men literally don't get beyond the first sentence as a result.It's almost like a chip in our brain is activated, and the neural pathways take our attention in a different direction when we hear the term "women's issues." This is also true, by the way, of the word "gender," because a lot of people hear the word "gender" and they think it means "women." So they think that gender issues is synonymous with women's issues. And let me illustrate that confusion by way of analogy. In the US, when we hear the word "race," a lot of people think that means African-American, Latino, Asian-American, Native American, South Asian, Pacific Islander, on and on.A lot of people, when they hear the word "sexual orientation" think it means gay, lesbian, bisexual.Now we're going to move to the second sentence, which says the same thing in the passive voice."Mary was beaten by John." And now a whole lot has happened in one sentence.Now, I appreciate that that's a problem, it's sexism, but it's the truth.So one of the things that I say to men, and my colleagues and I always say this, is we need more men who have the courage and the strength to start standing up and saying some of this stuff, and standing with women and not against them and pretending that somehow this is a battle between the sexes and other kinds of nonsense. And by the way, one of the things that really bothers me about some of the rhetoric against feminists and others who have built the battered women's and rape crisis movements around the world is that somehow, like I said, that they're anti-male.Most male victims of violence are the victims of other men's violence.So that's something that both women and men have in common. So we have it in our direct self-interest, not to mention the fact that most men that I know have women and girls that we care deeply about, in our families and our friendship circles and every other way.