The ideal reader is male, inexplicably moist-looking and furious that “Social Justice Warriors” took over his favorite video game forum, and is there to confirm his assumptions.The entire internet — nay, the entire world — is compromised by SJW extremists who seek to take away our video games and superhero movies.The longer the goatee, the more batshit insane the publication.
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This is news for your racist uncle’s racist uncle, and it serves an important function — it allows us to see what he thinks about current events, in real time, without having to actually talk to him.
Goatee qualities: Perpetually outraged at cherry-picked news stories, enormous victim complex despite being influential with the White House Anti-goatee qualities: It’s hard to be smug while screaming so loud that you burst blood vessels Worst current headline: “5 Unanswered Questions About ABC’s Cancellation of ‘Last Man Standing’” is the pet project of Ben Shapiro, an aging College Republican with an endless list of grievances, and it certainly shows.
Every headline is in all caps, and most are devoted to defending Trump’s honor against ANTI-TRUMP HYSTERIA from the FAKE NEWS.
The rest are about the “migrant rape crisis,” illegal immigrants, or black shoplifters.
The site itself is difficult to pin down, as it fails to embody any specific branch of conservatism.
It runs columns by diehard Trump backer Ann Coulter next to measured critiques of Trump’s conduct.David Brooks is Thomas Friedman without the mustache and with one-third fewer brain lesions.Nick Kristof rescues sex trafficked children and then fights for their right to work in a sweatshop.Unfortunately for them, they are not good at being the president’s PR team.Following in the footsteps of founder Andrew Breitbart, whose 2012 death from a heart attack at 43 may or may not have been related to using the internet too much, the current staff keeps it cranked to 11 at all times.Their only good columnist is Maureen Dowd, but only when she takes too many edibles.Goatee qualities: Unflinchingly self-serious, convinced it can pull a fast one on liberals by being racist eloquently instead of with phrases like “the disease of the Arab mind” — actually, scratch that Anti-goatee qualities: At least one columnist has blazed it Worst current headline: "Leave Your Safe Spaces: The 2017 Commencement Address at Hampden-Sydney College" contributors largely adhere to the Old Right value of isolationism, to their credit.The evidence for this raging culture war comes in the form of headlines like “‘Star Wars’ Triggers Social Justice Warriors With ‘Offensive’ Tweet” and “Gay Porno Attacked for ‘Culturally Offensive’ Sex Scene Using Aboriginal Wind Instrument,” both of which reference random internet comments.When isn’t scouring Twitter replies for TRIGGERED PC SNOWFLAKES or claiming that Google search results are a SJW SAFE SPACE, they unearth goofy articles in no-name journals and present them as indicative of academia as a whole.Its columnists range from center to center-right, and the farther right you go, the bigger the goatees.Thomas Friedman, who has a resumé of needless world tours and severe head injuries that rivals only that of Keith Richards, is the resident pro-war centrist.